NY: Commentary--Marriage: No small matter

Link: The Hillsdale Independent
by Michael Kaufman

Excerpt:

I GET A FAIR amount of feedback on my columns, and every now and then someone puts me in my place. A person identified as Lauren wrote in response to my column about becoming chief marriage officer in Livingston. In that column, I wrote about two things I had to agree to if I wanted the position: If I agree to perform a wedding, I must do it no matter how incompatible I think the people are, and I can not marry people of the same gender. I wrote that I was okay with both of these conditions. 

I forgot what an important subject same sex marriage is to many people. Lauren politely took me to task on this. "Your new position is not to be taken lightly," she wrote, "but neither is the injustice that same sex marriages are illegal in New York and you had to formally agree not to do them." She went on to tell me that she and her partner of 25 years, along with many other couples, were married in New Paltz in 2004 and all the weddings were annulled by New York State.

[...]

Then came the real zinger: "If you thought about this before you quickly agreed, it would have been encouraging if you had so noted it in your column. If it didn't cross your mind, then there is no justice and there is no peace."

Guilty as charged: It did not cross my mind. But after reading her comments, I thought she was simply reading more into the column than was there, and that only those affected by the same sex marriage ban would share her views.

Once again I was wrong. I was at a party last weekend with a few of my regular readers. I relayed Lauren's comments to them. All the women (regardless of sexual orientation) agreed with Lauren, and at least 75% of the men admitted that although they hadn't given it much thought, they could see Lauren's point.

My friend Brette Popper, a married Upper West Side mother of two girls, explained it best. "To say that you are 'ok' with the illegality of marrying people of the same gender is not only to say that you are 'ok' with the law of New York State, but to say that you agree with the underlying prejudice that informs that position." 

I want to make my position clear. I am in favor of both gay marriage and gay civil unions. I believe that same-sex couples should have the same rights and privileges as heterosexual couples. But in my capacity as the chief marriage officer in the Town of Livingston, I agreed to follow the laws of the state and not marry people of the same gender. I hope that lends clarity to my position, and I will try to be more sensitive to how I write about issues like this in the future.

[jw]